Sometimes time is too consuming

It has been months and I still cannot get over the fact that he said he loved me then went and left me. Time is supposed to make things become easier but it has not. I mean do not get me wrong I want to be friends because he is a great person. And of course I still want to be in his life, even as his friend. I can deal with that I know I really can. I have been able to do it for months. But it is when I have to think back to the times we were together. Yeah sure he was not always the best boyfriend. He would not text back, not talk to me in public if he was passing through, and break promises to come and see me. I know those things all make red flags go up like saying “Girl you need to get out of there”, “You deserve better”, and “He does not seem to want to be with you”. And people would tell me each and every one of these statements. But what they did not know was how we were when it was just us, you know? We could play and mess around like kids. We could lay together for hours while he played with my hair, which I used to hate until him. My favorite thing was how it would take us FOREVER to pick one movie for us to just turn off because we would just look at each other and knew what we wanted to do instead. And the kissing was not just about the sexual aspect, it made us feel closer together. He was my first for a lot. He was my first boyfriend. He was my first kiss. He was my first make out. He was the first guy that slept in my bed with me. And what means the most to me is he was my first love. I was not planning on him being my first love but it happened. He actually said “I love you” first, not just once but twice. I waited to say it back because I just wanted to be sure, you know? I really did not want to be in love wIth someone who might break my heart, so i held off until I could say it and mean it. Well I waited…said it…meant it… Which was my biggest mistake. The breakup was not terrible he was good about it. I kinda knew it might be coming, I could kinda sense him becoming more and more distant but I did not want it to end up being true. We sat there across the table from each other and I knew what was going to happen. He asked “What do you wanna do?” And off course I wanted to stay together but I could not say it. He just looked at me and said how he did not have time for a girlfriend right then. It hurt me so bad. I just wanted to work on us and maybe fix it  but u could tell that really was not an option. I started to cry. He got up came around and we hugged, a few times. He looked at me said “you were a good girlfriend” he asked if I was okay. He kissed me on my forehead and hugged one last time and went on our separate ways. It took me a few days before I could talk to him but I was not mad at him for breaking up with me, I understood. What hurt the most was that he said “You deserve better”, but what I do not think him or anyone else understands is he is what I want. If i “deserved better” I would not have gotten with him in the first place. He was what i wanted and i had no intensions of wanting to do “better”. He was the best to me and he decided for me that he was not good enough but he was and will always remain that way to me. So I knew I could be friends with him, like I could not just completely have him out of my life, I love him not just as a boyfriend but also as a friend. I would do anything for him just like my other friends. My one best friend really knew how to talk about this stuff with me which really helped. He also had a conversation with the ex and said my ex had said i was the first ex-girlfriend he could see himself being friends with. So that is what it became, us being friends. But there were little things here and there at first like a hug or once he put a candy down my shirt, just reached down my shirt and but it there. But we have this connection so obviously I did not care. Then came the night we were alone to watch a movie. The first night we were friends but had some benefits. It felt good that he still would want to do things with me. It happened two or three more times after that. Which did not help my love of him go away. We had this thing where he would say “my eyes are up here” and then we would just kiss. That is what happened that first friends night. I was in his bed, he was off the bed at the laptop picking a movie. He came over and asked “how far up do you even come when you are on the bed?” So we stood in front of each other, looked forward, he said “my eyes are up here”, I said “sorry”, he went “that’s fine”, and we came together and kissed. It was just like it was before. It is one of my favorite times with him, even though we were just friends. The other only friends time that is my favorites is the Thursday before my birthday. He came over after the little party in our friend’s room. He stayed all day, he did not have to, I did not even ask him to. He just did. And we did the thing where we were just waking up for the first time and get close and kiss, that was my favorite thing we used to do. Now the memories of when were together are even more precious to me. Those were the times we could just be ourselves together. My favorite memory is when I had my first kiss, which really was a first make out instead. We were watching a movie and he looked over and asked “do you want your kiss now or later” i said ” I don’t know”. Then we did. We kissed so long he missed the bus he usually got on. Which then gave us more time together and I will always remember that. There were other great memories like the time we threw snowballs at each other, when he would pull me to the edge of the bed to kiss me, and the time we had a 6 hour video chat before we even dated. Those are the things I remember, the good stuff, the little things that add up to me. I did not care about what anyone had to say about how toxic the relationship was because I knew how were together, alone. It was perfect. I blame myself for us not being together. Maybe if I was less stubborn, complicated, or just maybe a little less clingy  or more open to knew and fun things we would have worked. I cannot help but think we would still be together. Maybe we will get another chance at another time, that is what i hope for. Just one more chance is all I want. I would not even care if we were just friends or friends with some benefits again, I just wanna be close to him again. That is all I want right now, nothing else even comes close.

People could say what they wanted but they were not in the relationship,we were. We knew how it was. That is why no one understands why I would go back to him in an instant, in a heartbeat, in a millisecond.  I still love him. And even with all this time passing it does not seem to help.

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